God, love and actually saying it

As part of my sabbatical I'm sitting down with a counsellor to think through ministry and my calling as a pastor and who I am as a person. In our last meeting she asked me what God wanted from me and my go-to answer is obedience, faithfulness and dedication as a pastor. She kept pushing me until a light went off as I began to connect the dots between our conversation before and her question. The answer of course is that God wants my love. Kind of a duh moment for me, but I realised that I so often think about my relationship with God in terms of my calling as a pastor and not nearly enough in terms of my own personal relationship with God as a person, a child of his.
Do you remember in school when you would get the answer right and a warm glow of pride would go through you? That happened to me too :) I'm still kind of a kid at heart I guess. The problem was, my counsellor had another question waiting: sigh. This one got me too: how do you show God you love him? Again, my first thoughts revolve around doing, After all Paul tells us that love is an action word, something I keep reminding every couple who comes into my study wanting to get married. But somehow I knew that this wasn't the answer she was looking for. Finally the light bulb goes on again: I need to tell God I love him and it was then it struck me that I don't often stop and tell God, "I love you." I work at obedience, after-all Jesus said, "If you love me you will keep my commandments." I work at faithfulness, working at being the pastor and person God wants me to be, but I don't often say, "God, I love you."
It makes sense, at least to me, that I need to say these three words regularly. Yes, love is an action word and it shows in how I live, but when I fail to tell me wife, "I love you," on a regular basis, she starts to wonder what is wrong in our relationship. Being a guy, a Dutch guy, saying "I love you" doesn't seem to come so naturally to me, but my wife has taught me how important and powerful these three words are. When I talked to God later that afternoon, I said to him, "God, I love you, I know you know this, but my saying it reminds me of its truth." And that's kind of the point here, by saying those three words and hearing them come out of our mouths, we remind ourselves of the foundation of our relationship with God; he loved us first and desires our love in return. I encourage you the next time you take time to talk to God, begin with these words, "Hello God, I want you to know I love you." It will make you prayer time even more meaningful and special.

Do all dogs go to heaven

Babette, my faithful dog died this afternoon and as we went and took care of all the details to properly take care of her body, I couldn't help but think about the movie All Dogs Go to Heaven and found myself hoping it is so. Theologically it may not be so orthodox and I may be held to task for this because I'm a pastor, but dogs, especially pet dogs are a wonderful gift from God that keeps on giving. Babette often reminded me of this; she reminded me of what a sinner is all about, often deliberately being disobedient and then coming up to me, head hung low, but with a seeming grin also on her face as she counted on my forgiveness and love. There were times when she even took great joy in her disobedience, her tail wagging away as she would refuse to come when I called, even when I was offering her a treat. She would only come when she felt it was time to come. That so often reflects my own relationship with God, I too find myself sometimes dragging my feet when I sense God calling me to a certain path or task.
Babette was great at evangelism, she was friendly to everyone in our neighbourhood and was well known, even by those who didn't have dogs. I can't count the number of times she has startled people by jumping up at them, looking for a friendly pet on the head, with a great grin on her face that made her look fierce and scary. But after being here 10 years now, most people know how loving and gentle she was. The people in our neighbourhood know me as Babette's owner, the religious guy who works at the church on the corner, the guy we can stop by and talk to any time. It is going to be strange to walk through the neighbourhood without her.
I always joked that every pastor needs a dog because, like God, they love you unconditionally and that even when my wife, my kids, my church or all of them together would be angry and frustrated with me, Babette would still love me and lovingly accept me for who I am no matter how badly I messed up. I would come into the house after a day at work, whether good or tough, and Babette would be there with her tail wagging, eager to greet me.
I already miss her, but am also so thankful to God for having had her as part of our family for the past 10 years and just maybe I'll see her again one day in heaven!

Time to Simply Think

It's amazing how quickly time goes by in September. Even though I'm on sabbatical, time hasn't slowed down. This is usually the busiest time of the year with the church's ministries starting up again, making sure our safe church policies are reviewed and carried out, our corn roast by the cadets and Bible studies and small group studies all beginning to meet again. It's wonderful to have a good leadership team in place as I haven't worried once about how the start is going.
So far, the first two weeks of the sabbatical have been filled with reading, study, some writing, and a whole lot of thinking and reflecting. It's wonderful to have the time to simply think. There's a lot to think about: my relationship with God, my family, with the church among other things. But my thoughts keep going back to how the past 10 years have gone here in First Montreal; where I've messed up and failed and where, thanks to God and His working in and through me, I've been able to do well and help various people and the church move forward. I've realized that it's much easier to list what I consider failures as I've been reminded often by different people when I have not lived up to their expectations, or I have simply and truly messed up. I went into ministry to help people find healing in God, and the hardest part of failing as a pastor is that often it involves people getting hurt, kind of the opposite of what I prayed God would do through me.
However, thanks to a wise counselor and friend, I'm coming to see that what I may consider a failure can often be a part of God's plan and a part of the journey of healing or growth that God has been taking us on. Sometimes we need to experience deep hurt before we allow God to work in us. Some time we need to suffer so we can understand how great our need is for healing; healing that only God can do. The very words I've so often used to encourage others during difficult times, I needed to hear myself. I thank God for the wisdom and faith of this counselor!
This has raised up a concern at the same time. Who do pastors go to when they experience a crisis; either as a pastor called into a situation, or in our own life situations. As my counselor mentioned, those who work in the mental health field undergo debriefings regularly to help them maintain their own mental health and deal with the stress and trauma they go through. As pastors we may have peer learning groups, regional pastors, and ministerial associations where we can find support and encouragement, but my own experience has shown my the value of trained professional counseling. I began my first session trying to stay in control, but through the counselor's skills and persistence, she worked past my control to the hurt and pain I often tuck away. Often pastors have no choice to just tuck this stuff away as there is always something else needing our attention, another person needing someone to help them see that God is near, so it's easy to not deal with it until it's too late.
I wonder if pastors and their elders need to sit down more often and talk openly about the pastor's emotional and spiritual needs, asking if there are things the pastor should be talking about and isn't? I wonder if we as pastors need to be pushed to find a trusted Christian counselor and be strongly encouraged to meet with them a couple times each year to hear those words, "God is here and He is working in you and through you, often through those painful moments you don't want to deal with." Just a thought.

Sabbatical time

It's been a while since I've posted. It's been a busy time getting ready to take advantage of the gift the church has given me of a 3 month sabbatical. I have been fascinated by the reaction of many people who see this as an extended vacation rather than as a part of the rhythm of being in ministry, but I've been very encouraged by support and encouragement of the leadership in the church who have walked with me and my family through the past 10 years that we've been here. My elders and deacons have worked closely with me to shape this sabbatical with my needs, but also the needs of my wife and family in mind. They realize that a refreshed pastor is also a blessing for the church. I've been given three months to do some reading and writing, receive personal counseling to work through the highs, the lows and the regular times of ministry over the past 10 years and how it has shaped me, and finally time to get away with my wife for a week at a Focus on the Family retreat center where together we'll spend some time reflecting together on the past 10 years and do some reflecting on where God is leading us and dreaming about the possibilities of what God may have in store for us as a family and in our church.
It's only been a week but I can already feel the difference as I settle into a different routine, one that allows me to spend evenings at home with my family, gives me time to do some reflecting, and to rest. The rest part has surprised me the most. Sabbatical comes from the Hebrew root for rest, but it has still been a very pleasant surprise to experience it. The rest is not necessarily physical rest, most of the rest has come from not needing to be responsible for most of the day to day and week to week organization of the church, a release from needing to be present at the various meetings in the church, and a release of responsibility and authority to the elders and deacons for the next 3 months. I am blessed with wonderful leaders, both within council and in the church who are very gifted and committed to our church and where God is leading us, and who He is transforming us into as His presence here in the island of Montréal.
Before answering the call into ministry, I never appreciated how much the pastor carries in his or her heart and mind for and from the congregation and the community around the church. There are the times of celebration and joy, the times of struggle, and the times of grief and suffering and they all come to rest in the soul of the pastor because of the love we carry for the people God has placed us among. These have all found a place inside me and they are now a part of who I am. It is an honour to have all these moments within me as I have been blessed to have been invited into the most private and intimate moments of peoples' lives to help them see how God is present with them. The blessing of this sabbatical is that I now have the time to reflect on how these have shaped me over the years and to become more self aware of who I am becoming as a person and a pastor. Already after one session of counseling I have been able to let go of some of the hurt inside and see how God has used this to shape me and to be a blessing to others in it.
Over the next 3 months I hope to share some of what I am learning during this sabbatical through this blog. I am looking forward to the opportunity to have times to "be still and know God," to learn more about myself, and to do some focused reading and writing. Stay tuned.
 

Who are you trying to impress?

I'm a bit of an introvert and yet people are really important to me, I love being a faceless person in the crowd, able to sit in a corner and observe others while remaining anonymous myself. Yet at the same time, I also find myself concerned about what people think about who I am; hoping that they find me acceptable enough to include in their circles of friends. Deeper down, I also know that I want to be recognised and praised by others, especially the people I admire; being accepted isn't enough, I'm looking to be praised too. That's why it kind of hurts when I read Jesus' question in John 5, "How can you believe if you accept praise from one another, yet make no effort to obtain the praise that comes from the only God?"  

This is an 'ouch' kind of question because I think I get it. When I'm concerned about being recognised or praised by other people, I give them control over who I am, even if it means being someone that goes against who I know God wants me to be. In order to be accepted by the people who, at least in my perspective, are more important or special than I am, I become willing to become the person I think they want me to be, even if that's not really who I am. This comes out of a lack of self esteem or even from a lack of self knowledge or a shallowness in my personality when this happens.

Then there's the selfish side of me that wants to be recognised because I know how wise I am, how important I am even if others don't see it yet. I know I deserve to be recognised and praised because I am worth it and I've worked hard and sacrificed a lot to get where I am. This side of me wrestles with humility and with quiet service, and even if God sees and knows what I've done and who I am, that's not enough, I want more. 

That gets at what Jesus is asking here. Jesus is wondering, if you're busy accepting and wrapping ourselves in the praise of people around us, do you really accept God as God in every aspect of your life, or is God is simply a small part of your life that you can pull out or put away when it suits you. It comes down, at least for me, to the question, "Who is more important to me, God or the people whose attention and praise I'm seeking?" This then leads to another really uncomfortable question, "Who really is the God/god in my heart and life" I'm always afraid that deep down I take that place, or I allow some other person to take that place away from God.

Slowly I'm learning that what I want deep down is to hear God say, "You are my beloved," and "Well done good and faithful servant," yet I keep getting distracted by the other desire to hearing others saying it too. Yet when I hear God's praise, when I read this in God's word and the Spirit gives me the feeling/knowledge that this applies to me, then I know that I'm starting to focus more on who God has created me to be and less on who you want me to be, and that's a good thing, even if it means I don't always fit in the circles I want. 

Do you want to get well? Another question from Jesus

This question from Jesus always catches me by surprise. What do you mean, 'Do I want to get well, of course I do, what a dumb question!' Jesus asks this question to a man who has been an invalid for more than 38 years, which makes this question seem even more foolish. Everybody wants to be healthy, we're all afraid of being sick, of catching something and becoming ill. Just look at the pharmaceutical business, it's a huge industry in North America because of our fear of illness. Consider the healing ministries in the Christian world, people who claim to have the power of healing and how many people hand over great sums of money to have someone lay their hands on them for healing, or how many people are convinced to send away for a bottle of water from the river Jordan or the Sea of Galilee that has been blessed by a ministry person and so now has healing power. All this feeds into our fear of being sick or ill.
Yet, as I've walked alongside many people over the years, I now understand a little bit what Jesus is getting at here. For the man in John's story, his illness might also the only source of his income. Because he is an invalid, he has the potential to earn a fairly good income through begging, using his condition to tug on the heart-strings of those people who were going by, or from the families of other sick people who had brought their sick relatives to the pool for a chance at healing. It's also interesting that the man does not ask for healing, Jesus notices his situation and approaches him with his question, "Do you want to get well?" If the man is healed, his source of income would be gone and he would now have to work for a living, so it might actually be in the man's favour to tell Jesus that he's fine just as he is.
But how about today, how does Jesus' question apply to us now? When I  think of being sick or ill, I no longer think about simply being ill physically, I now often think about being sick through having addictions. Yes, many of them are physical, but many are about the heart; addictions such as pornography, sex, food, and pleasure seeking. We engage in these things because there is something missing inside us that these activities or things fill, making us feel more whole, more complete, more satisfied. We try to find wholeness in these activities because we hate the feelings of emptiness, so we turn to things or people to make us fill whole.
But how about unhealthy emotions such as anger, hatred, greed or lust, among others? These are forms of being ill in our hearts and spirit. Is there someone in your life that you hold deep anger against? There may even be good reasons for your anger, but does this make it healthy if you've been holding onto it for a long time with no effort or desire to forgive? Anger has this way of changing who you are, creating callouses of bitterness and hatred that, over time, and actually begins to affect other relationships in your life because of what you hold inside of you. Anger has this way of growing and spreading inside of us, driving wedges between us and others, even those who are important to us.
Greed and lust are two other emotions that have even been made sacred in our culture as they are about power and pleasure and control. In a culture that puts the individual first, these are important emotions that drive us to achieve the so-called American or Canadian dream, but they come at the price of placing everyone else as second in our lives, placing emotional barriers between us and everyone else.
These feelings all give us an inner sense of power and control over our lives and yet they also keep us from experiencing deep relationships and friendships. They also keep us from trusting in God. We trust only in ourselves and the control we create in our lives.
Now listen to Jesus' question, "Do you want to get well?" Do you really want to be healed from your addictions or those emotions that keep you from having deeper relationships with God and others or would you rather hang onto what you know and what gives you control over your life and others? All of a sudden Jesus' question isn't so simple to answer.
Healing doesn't come at the snap of our fingers, it often comes through much prayer, hard work and the help of others; trained healers and especially fellow followers of Jesus who are willing to hold us accountable while walking with us and picking us up when we stumble or fall. Jesus works his healing using the community of his body.This is normally how Jesus works healing in us today, and it involves making changes in our hearts and minds with the help of the Holy Spirit and the teaching of Scripture; it means becoming the person God has created us to be and trusting that God fill those empty places in us and heal those areas of brokenness that give us our identity right now.

What are You Looking For

I went back to university when I was 34 years old because I didn't really know what I wanted to be when I grew up. It wasn't until my late 20s that I began to think about going into ministry, and even then, I wasn't so sure that a pastor was who I really wanted to be. I had been in the navy for a while and then worked in a small bakery for 16 years but I kind of fell into these jobs, they were not jobs I had dreamt about doing when I was a child. Jesus' question in John 1:38, "What are you looking for?" would have been a hard question for me back then to really answer as I was, and still am, a dreamer kind of guy, always dreaming of what might be, not always focusing so well on what I should be doing. I think more in terms of who I should be instead of what I should be doing, and this always seems to change in different ways as I meet new people and experience new things.
There were times when what I was looking for was a more important job, more money, more vacation time, more stuff, more, more, but over the years my answer has changed. Now I find that I'm looking for meaning and purpose in my life, looking for ways to make a difference in the world, even if only in small ways, trying to figure out who I am and who I should be as a person and as a follower of Jesus. This is not just about spiritual stuff, it's about day to day real life stuff, about how to live and why. As I get to know Jesus more, I find myself beginning to look for ways to do with less and give away more, whether it's stuff or more of myself as a follower of Jesus, husband, father, grandfather, pastor and friend.
"What am I looking for?" This is question I find myself thinking about more often and am learning that what I say I'm looking for reflects who I am and how my relationship with Jesus and others is. What I am looking for determines how I spend my time and who I spend my time with. The disciples weren't sure how to answer Jesus so Jesus invited them to come and follow him, to spend time with him. Over time they began to see that what they were looking for was Jesus, an answer that is growing more central in my own life too. So what are you looking for?