A Broken Family - 2 Samuel 13:1-22

This is hard story. God gives us the Scriptures to reveal who he is and our need for a saviour, revealing the darkness of sin. This story of Amnon and Tamar is about wrong desire, deception, sexual sin, and the brokenness that comes from sin. Tamar’s betrayed by her half-brother, and her father fails her in a deep way. This is a story with no redemption or hope; it’s a story of the darkness sin brings; there’s no happily ever. It’s also reality, already in kindergarten we’re teaching our children about safe touch, bad touch. We may not want to talk about abuse, but it’s real.

It begins with Amnon, the oldest son of King David who’s obsessed with his half-sister Tamar. He supposedly loves her, but even if it’s love, it doesn’t mean it’s right to act on it. This sounds strange in our culture where feelings are given priority when determining whether something is right or wrong. “If I really love someone or something, God must want it for me,” is common thinking. The mental and emotional gymnastics some people go through to make something wrong seem right no longer surprises me.

A third person enters the story, Jonadab, Amnon’s cousin. His ethics comes down to “might is right.” Amnon’s the oldest son of the king so no one should deny him anything he desires. We hear an echo to a later king, Ahab, whose evil wife Jezebel held this same philosophy. When Ahab desires a certain piece of land, Jezebel trumps up a charge against Naboth and has him executed so Ahab could have what he wanted. Might makes right, a philosophy still prevalent today. The belief that leaders should serve rather than be served has seldom been respected. Jonadab makes a plan to have Tamar come to serve Amnon while Amnon pretends to be sick. When David comes to see him, Amnon asks for Tamar to care for him, all so Amnon can have his way with her.

This is predator type of behaviour. Predators carefully observe their victims, seeking to isolate them so they can take advantage of them. This happens in all kinds of settings, including churches and church families. This is why we’re working to be proactive in protecting our children, seniors, and vulnerable members, why Bethel takes its safe church policy seriously, because bad things can happen in good places. King David’s a man after God’s own heart, and yet the horror of abuse happens even in his own family.

Jonadab’s plan works and Tamar’s sent to care for her half-brother. She’s unprepared for the evil planning of her half-brother and his advisor. Misplaced trust is one of a predator’s advantages. Amnon sends everyone out of the room; now there are no witnesses, no accountability, no protection for Tamar who’s extremely vulnerable. When Tamar goes to serve Amnon, he grabs her, “Come to bed with me, my sister.” What he’s demanding of her is against God’s laws: Deuteronomy 27:22, “Cursed is anyone who sleeps with his sister, the daughter of his father or the daughter of his mother.” Then all the people shall say, “Amen!” God adds to this command in Leviticus 18:24–25, “‘Do not defile yourselves in any of these ways, because this is how the nations that I am going to drive out before you became defiled. Even the land was defiled; so I punished it for its sin, and the land vomited out its inhabitants.” Amnon knows all this, yet still follows his wrong desires.

4 times Tamar says, “No!” She’s a woman of honour. She offers Amnon a different choice, one that is still hard for her, but saves her honour, a choice often found among royalty in other nations, even if it still disobeyed God’s word in Deuteronomy. Tamar begs Amnon, “Please speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you.” Amnon ignores her and takes her by force. There’s no love here; love seeks to protect, to honour, to lift up; not to take and destroy. All those protestations of love for Tamar prove meaningless once he gets what he wants; it’s all lust. Most abusers try to fool themselves and others, but their declarations of love are false, driven by sinful desire, power, and lust; not God given and shaped love. Tamar tries one last time, “Sending me away would be a greater wrong than what you have already done to me,” appealing to Deuteronomy 22:28–29, “If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay her father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the young woman, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives,” but Amnon throws her out.

Tamar’s brother Absalom takes her into his own household to shield her from the shame of what’s happened, telling her, “Be quiet for now my sister; he is your brother. Don’t take this thing to heart.” Tamar’s desolate. Secrecy is common and enables abusers, prevents justice, and often leads to more abuse. The importance of being proactive to prevent abuse, to create safe places that prevent secrecy, that puts in place policies and procedures to make abuse of vulnerable people and children extremely difficult, cannot be overstated. Jesus embraces children, valuing them, in Mark 9:42 he warns us, “If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them if a large millstone were hung around their neck and they were thrown into the sea.” Jesus reveals a deep compassion for the oppressed and hurting, this shapes who we want to be as Bethel, a safe place to belong to.

In Alberta, 2023 saw a 10-year high in calls for help. There was a 19-per-cent increase in shelter use by those escaping domestic violence. This is a nationwide trend: intimate partner violence rates have been increasing across the country. Statistics Canada reporting tells us that from 2018 to 2023, family violence and intimate partner violence rose alongside an increase of police-reported violent crime. It happens, even in our community, we have to be proactive rather than reactive in working to keep our members safe. We’re called to battle sin and evil, yet even safe church policies can only go so far, the responsibility begins with each of us. Paul writes in 1 Thessalonians 4:3–7, “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.” The battle against sin begins in ourselves.

King David’s furious, but doesn’t hold Amnon accountable, increasing Tamar’s pain and the anger of Absalom. David’s refusal to hold Amnon accountable leads to even more brokenness as Absalom seethes in silence, and later arranges for Amnon’s murder, and rebels against his father which leads to his own death. Evil leads to brokenness; a lack of justice and accountability leads to more brokenness.

Bethel has developed our safe church ministry to make our church family a safe place, a healthy family, a place to flourish, and grow in our faith and gifts. We take our responsibility to our children, seniors, and vulnerable adults seriously because one incident of abuse has ripple effects that keeps on growing and devastates so many people’s faith, lives, and trust in Jesus, including the abuser’s family and loved ones.

For those who’ve experienced abuse, our safe church committee, myself, Tammy, and Bowen, our chair of council, are here to walk alongside you; to help you find safe Christian counselling, connecting to the proper authorities, and helping you find healing. Jesus came to sacrifice himself on the cross, not only for the forgiveness of our sins, but to also bring healing and hope. When accusations are made, we find qualified people to walk with each person involved. Jesus offers you this invitation in Matthew 11:28–30, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  

Jesus can take us from a place of brokenness and shame, to healing, wholeness, and hope. He gives us a new identity as a precious child of God, washed clean from sin and sin done against us. The Holy Spirit reminds us that God is a God of justice and will hold those who abuse accountable. Our trust and hope lie in Jesus, come and rest in his arms of strength. Let us work together to be a safe place that honours God and the peace he offers, a glimpse of the heavenly kingdom Jesus is bringing.